Made In Chelsea.

The toffish, old-money cast of Made in Chelsea — just a posh The Only Way is Essex?

Show of the week: Made in Chelsea, Monday, LifeStyle You, 9.30pm

BRITAIN'S upper crust certainly has a bottom of the barrel and it's on shameless display in this deplorable semi-scripted docusoap.

Made in Chelsea is essentially a toffy version of The Only Way is Essex. The cast is a similar assortment of vain, preening, narcissistic nitwits. The main difference, trivial as it is, is in the social milieu.

The Chelsea crowd have reasonably posh accents, while the Essex rabble sound like Jamie Oliver. The ostentatiously rich Essex kids are all unseemly new money, while the ostentatiously rich Chelsea kids have parents who at least had the good taste to make their dough in African diamonds and Caribbean hotels. Acceptable occupations for young women in Chelsea are PA and PR; in Essex they're bikini waxing and vajazzling.

One of the richest of the Chelsea crowd is 23-year-old entrepreneur and diamond heir Francis Boulle, who provides this episode's inspirational opening quote: ''Capitalism makes you beautiful''. That gauche little fetishisation of wealth sets the tone well enough, but Francis wants us to know that he's not entirely without a social conscience.

You see, he's looking into setting up an educational charity for underprivileged children. As he explains: ''I was nearly mugged by this child in Chelsea and the only thing that was outstanding about the whole ordeal was his terrible grammar.''

It's nice to see young Francis doing something productive with his privilege - until now he has been best known for setting up the website sexymp.co.uk, which greets visitors with two random pictures of members of the House of Commons and asks which one they would prefer to have sex with. No, I'm not making any of this up.

Equally feckless is bloodless bisexual Ollie, equal parts Fabio and Eeyore. ''My eyebrows are a f---ing disaster,'' he complains. ''I have to see my eyebrow woman.'' But Ollie's real anguish is existential. Last season he broke up with aspiring pop star Gabriella so he could explore his attraction to men, only to get into a new relationship with clothing-chain heiress Chloe.

This is causing friction between Ollie and his best gal-pals, Binky and Cheska, who are still friends with Gabriella and don't like the way Ollie has been treating her. Ollie's solution? A weekend fishing trip in the countryside. ''I have two passions in my life: my friends and my angling,'' he reveals. Regular viewers will be stunned that this top two includes neither Ollie's Conan the Librarian hair nor his own reflection.

And so it goes on. Biscuit empire heir Jamie is in trouble with his accountant for exceeding his allowance. Foreign exchange broker Spencer is mooning over aspiring pop star Caggie. Playboy PR man Hugo is mooning over the fact he's in a relationship and can no longer go chasing any woman in his path. None of them is remotely endearing. Except, perhaps, silly old Ollie.

But if you like your pretend-reality shows to be populated by people who make you want to vomit, Made in Chelsea might be the show for you.